This was sent to me by a DREAM ACT student. She is hoping there will be some commentary...
11 de Octubre
3:15 a.m.
I can’t sleep. It is not unusual; lately it has been happening more often. It is like suffocating, an anxiety that presses in my chest and picks my brain 24 hours a day. Why? How? What? Where? Then what? Why? How? What? Where? Then what?..... a vicious cycle that has no end, no solution but only continuous predicaments that take over. So endless that suddenly nothing makes sense and everything that once was a cause to keep going becomes the reason to stop. I feel like one of those novels where is Man vs. himself. Is this a story? I need a conclusion…. some type of resolution that at least gives me the option of stopping, accepting or some closure.
Last week there was a party, a celebration due to the fact that a friend of mine was leaving her current job. She had graduated and was offered a better position. She was so happy and I was so happy for her. She was moving forward with her life.
Then it hit me….. again….
This is my last semester of college. I struggled so much to get here, continue and finish, but now it feels as if there was no purpose. I studied until my brain couldn’t take it any more and I was almost blind from reading. I sacrificed so many things to pay tuition, fees, books and so forth. I woke up at the crack of dawn to catch a bus that took an hour to get me to school when it is only a 5 minute drive from my house; among other things that only thru perseverance I could accomplish. For what?.... To have two degrees and clean houses and baby sit kids…. to live off of hope that maybe someday, somehow something will happen. I want to scream that I am so much more that 9 digits, that I am not the enemy but a victim.
However, no matter how loud or soft I speak, those ears that can make a difference are clogged. My words are powerless and I lose hope. There is no moving on for me, my career ends before it even starts.
I see my parents struggle for a senior and a sophomore in college. How can the senior encourage the sophomore, when she knows what happens in the end of the road? She had known this since her freshman year, but it was hope that provided perseverance. Oh Machiavellian hope! You used me, drove me and now I can’t leave you because there is nothing I can turn to instead.
Isn’t it ironic that for us (undocumented students) everything ends when for others everything starts…
Will they ever acknowledge us and realize we have the potential and drive to contribute to our society?
I’m disappointed at myself for not finding an answer. I’m disappointed at myself for not having the power to give back to my family for all the sacrifices the made for me. I’m disappointed at myself for not being able to tell my brother how much is going to hurt him when he walks across a stage and only be able to work in landscaping or construction.
How can I do that? I wonder how many other students out there are like me. I wish I could tell them that they are not alone and I wish they could reply so I won’t feel so alone.
V.
3 comments:
Dear Marie:
I was really moved by your article. I feel for your plight like my own children's. True, a person like you and all the other astriving undocumented students out there are more that 9 digits. I brought my children here when they could barely read. Because of this undecisive decision of overstaying and working illegally to be able to feed them and buy them some bargain nike shoes for school, my children now suffer the consequences of the 9-digit dilemna. My eldest daughter who already got accepted in a nursing program, paid all placement fees and dues and for whom I already saved money for cannot pursue her education because the a background check necessary for her admission cannot be done without the 9 digits. My senior hs boy does not have the drive to dream higher because as you wrote and I quote, his dream ends where others' are only beginning. As a mother, I am laden with the guilt of deciding for their stay here at a time when they could barely understand the cost of being able to play in the snow or operating their very first nintendo game. I am trying my very best to open the path of opportunity for them where there's absolutely no door. I understand your anxiety, your nightmares, your feeling of helplessness and your questions of why, what, what now. They are mine, too. But I also know that more than any US citizen or green card holder, you are driven by your dream to pursue what seems to be impossible, to fight what seems to be an invisible battle (which you did not create), to continue on a road that seems to lead to nowhere. The courage you now have in your heart, that one thing that keeps you awake and keeps your heart pounding at night, the very reason why you were able to intelligently write such a brilliant article, will see you through. Believe in yourself and keep praying that the DREAM ACT will soon come to pass. What seems to be unattainable today may spark a glimmer of hope tomorrow. Press on, Marie. God will never leave you nor forsake you. Remember that. And I too, will remember you and your family in my prayers. Love, m0m from jersey
Dear Mom in Jersey,
Thanks for your comment. I am not the person who wrote this essay. Her name is V. - she is a DREAM ACT student from Houston who is about to graduate from college.
She will really appreciate your response.
MTH
OK Marie. Thanks for the correction. Hope I could edit it and address the article to V.
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